Why You Didn’t Fail As a Mother by Angela Miller

I met Angela Miller at the Wise Ink Writers Workshop a few weeks ago! We didn’t have much time to share stories, or talk one-on-one for that matter, but do you ever find yourself in the typical serendipitous situation where you meet someone new, and one of two things happen. 1) you feel like you have known this person for years, or 2) you have this extremely strong feeling that you were exactly where you were at exactly the right time to get connected to this person. In this case, for myself, #2 applies!

After getting connected via Facebook, and reading Angela’s story and what her book is about, I found it really similar to 23. Well, actually, similar to my parent’s experience, and what they endured when I was in the hospital. I cannot wait to read, “You Are the Mother of All Mothers” simply because it will put me in alignment with understanding how my parent’s felt in Duluth. Angela gave me permission to reblog her message on mine, and I am so thankful she did! I can’t wait to share this with others!

Blog Writer: Angela Miller
ABedForMyHeart
You Are the Mother of All Mothers

“I have to tell you this.

You didn’t fail. Not even a little.

You are not a horrible mother.

You didn’t choose this. You didn’t want this to happen. You didn’t do anything wrong. It just happened. To you. Despite your begging, pleading, praying, hoping against all hope it would not. Even though everything within you was screaming no, no, no, no, no.

God didn’t do this to punish you, smite you, or to teach you a lesson. That is not God’s way. You could not have prevented this if you tried harder, prayed harder, or were a “better” person. Nor if you ate better, loved harder, yoga-ed more, did x, y, or z to the nth degree—fill in the blank with any other lie your mind devises. You could not have prevented this even if you could have predicted the future like no one can.

No, there is nothing more you could have done. You did everything you possibly could have. And you are the best mother there is because you would have done absolutely anything to keep your child alive. To breathe your last breath instead. To choose the pain all over again just to spend one more minute together. That is the ultimate kind of love. You are the ultimate kind of mother.

So wash your hands of any naysayers, betrayers, or those who sprinted in the other direction when you needed them most. Wash your hands of the people who may have falsely judged you, ostracized you, or stigmatized you because of what happened to you. Wash your hands of anyone who has made you feel less than by questioning everything you did or didn’t do. Anyone whose words or looks have implied this was somehow your fault.

This was not your fault. This will never be your fault, no matter how many different ways someone tries to tell you it was.

Especially if that someone happens to be you. Sometimes it’s not what others are saying that keeps you shackled in shame. Sometimes you adopt others’ misguided opinions and assumptions. Sometimes it’s your own inner voice that shoves you into the darkest corner of despair, like an abuser, telling you over and over and over again you failed as a mother. Convincing you if only this and what if that, it never would have happened. Saying you coulda, shoulda done this or that so your child would not have died.

That is a lie of the sickest kind. Do not believe it, not even for a second. Do not let it sink into your bones. Do not let it smother that beautiful, beautiful light of yours.

Instead, breathe in this truth with every part of yourself: You are the best damn mother in the entire world.

No one else could do what you do. No one else could ever mother your child as well as you can, as well as you are. No one else could let your child’s love and light shine through the way you do. No one else could mother your dead child as bravely. No one else could carry this unrelenting burden as courageously. It is the heaviest, most torturous burden there is.

There is no one, no one, no one who could ever, ever replace you. No one. You were chosen to be your child’s mother. Yes—chosen. And no one could parent your child better in life or in death than you do. You have within you a sacred strength.

You are the mother of all mothers.

So breathe, mama, keep breathing. Believe, mama, keep believing. Fight, mama, keep fighting for this truth to uproot the lies in your heart—you didn’t fail. Not even a little…”

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One Response to Why You Didn’t Fail As a Mother by Angela Miller

  1. This is beautiful. I’m also a Wise Ink author and looking to connect with the rest of you. Both of your stories are so powerful! Thank you for sharing.

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